Johanna Porter Is Not Sorry by Sara Read

Author:Sara Read
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Graydon House Books
Published: 2023-01-17T00:34:09+00:00

* * *

If it weren’t for my pride, I would literally run home. It’s unseasonably warm out, and I break a sweat halfway to my house. It stings my eyes.

The first thing I do when I get inside is lock the front door. As if that’s going to do anything. I change clothes. New underwear, jeans, and a black hoodie. Then coffee. I drive my fists into my eye sockets, but the tears come anyway. I pace the kitchen. If it had just been a one-night stand, then I could shake it off. But I know it wasn’t just a fuck. Well, two fucks, to be exact.

An addict.

An opioid addict. I put down the coffee because my hands are shaking. If I stare at the floor for the rest of the day, maybe I can get through this. But of course, I can’t. The memory of my mother is so close. My mind cannot differentiate today from that day twenty-five years ago. What can I do? Huddle in a ball? Scream? Die?

Work. Work is what makes things right. But not the paintings. That’s higher-order shit. It takes setup and patience. I can’t go to paint right now, with this feeling like a metal band has clamped around my chest, so I dig the sketchbook out from under a pile of laundry on the couch.

White page, black charcoal, mirror. I draw my own face. Who are you?

I turn the page. Draw my mother, from memory. Hers is a face I remember perfectly.

Not again. Not again. Please, not again. Love builds a supple, resilient hide that makes the spearpoints of life glance off, but my resiliency never grew in all the way. After my mother died, I had little choice but to grow rigid.

Without washing my hands or changing my shirt, I crawl into bed, charcoal dust and all. In my mind I see La Rosa Blanca. I summon her in full detail. Her bare back, smooth and tense. Trying so hard to defend herself.

Mitchell got inside—the real inside, where I don’t fake it. I don’t even know how he did it, but I like him there. The space between us feels big and open and full of possibility, and I can already feel my heart reaching out.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.